Polly and Dorothy

So I'm finally siting down to write some thank-yous to people who were especially comforting or helpful or thoughtful during this sad month. Here's a note from Beverly, Michael's sister, that came when I got home to SLC which I wanted to share:

"I had only a few occasions to be around Polly, but they were so memorable and she made a big impression on me–I always felt welcomed, and cared for, and that she really knew I was there despite the full room. There was one Christmas when I was at our family's home and it was a big crowd–even though I knew everyone I was feeling a bit awkward and was by myself (I can't remember why!) and maybe was feeling a little sad. Your mother came up to me and said, "Come with me!" and she grabbed a book off a shelf, thumbed to a page and said, "Read this." It was the Maid-servant at the Inn by Dorothy Parker.
It was a wonderful moment. The poem was touching and your mom was so sensitive and observant to make a connection with me. I can feel it like it was yesterday–it's my Christmas ritual–I read it by myself and your mom introduced me to one of my favorite writers that I would enjoy for years to come.
I can only imagine how lovely and lucky it would be to spend more time with her. I have a feeling it was an ordinary moment for her and how she lived her life. She seemed to live fully and she enjoyed the things in life that really matter–family & friends, good food, good literature and more. (And she taught me that liberal politics and gracious living are not incompatible.)
Your mom was a very special person and I'm happy I got to know her, even just a little. She inhabits a place in my heart and that's how we live on–I hope she and Dorothy are having a good laugh.
Love, Beverly

Here's the poem:  

The Maid-Servant At The Inn

"It's queer," she said; "I see the light
As plain as I beheld it then,
All silver-like and calm and bright-
We've not had stars like that again!

"And she was such a gentle thing
To birth a baby in the cold.
The barn was dark and frightening-
This new one's better than the old.

"I mind my eyes were full of tears,
For I was young, and quick distressed,
But she was less than me in years
That held a son against her breast.

"I never saw a sweeter child-
The little one, the darling one!-
I mind I told her, when he smiled
You'd know he was his mother's son.

"It's queer that I should see them so-
The time they came to Bethlehem
Was more than thirty years ago;
I've prayed that all is well with them."

Aftermath

I got home Friday evening and immediately invited three people to dinner for last night. Close friends–Louise and Harrison you met at my last wedding, Rebecca is our friend who lived in Florence. I spent yesterday buying wine, buying food at the Farmers Market, smoking trout, baking bread, making a complicated dish of corn kernels and caramelized onions. 

Everyone came over, everyone offered sincere condolences. Darling Harrison, unasked, brought a trumpet and played "Taps" in honor of Polly, with whom he'd corresponded a couple times since they met. We ate dinner (it was fabulous, yay me.)

And then I all of a sudden left the room, went upstairs and got into the daybed that used to be in the living room at Mother and Daddy's house. I didn't even think about it, I didn't tell anyone goodbye, I just collapsed. Glen came up to see what was up and then went down to make apologies. 

This morning I feel a little embarrassed, but I also realize that it's the first time I've let go since I got to Dallas for Mother's farewell party. There has always been something to do, or to take care of, whether it was taking care of Mother or Daddy or guests or whatever. Food. Jewelry. Notecards. Post-its. Phone calls.

I slept in the bed next to Mother's every night the last two weeks of her life. The lamp by her bed was always on, all night. Ardis and Diana would try turning it off, but Mother would get restless immediately, so finally we just left it on, right in her face. 

I woke up whenever the nurse came in to give her meds, change her diaper, reposition her. I woke up other times just to make sure her little chest was still going up and down. I lay down on the bed after she died, after David and Helen had left, and looked at her awhile to make sure she was dead. I watched them lift her body on the board and put it onto the gurney. I watched them zip the body bag over her face.

So last night, I finally fell asleep with the light on right in my face.  I kept waking up disoriented, thinking I was in her room.

I think about Mother every minute.It's not like remembering, it's like she's in my body or in my consciousness. I think about David and Helen and that it must be like that for them, too, and I think about Daddy and how it must be even worse for him.

I just realized today that instead of everything being over, a whole new thing is just beginning that's going to be much harder, because I can't do anything about it. I can only go through it.

A whole new place

Everyone has gone home and back to work now. The flurry of embraces and greetings and visiting and drinking and eating with long lost family and friends has settled down. I leave in an hour, and Daddy will try to get back in his routine–PrimeTimers today, Farmers Market tomorrow, church on Sunday, Sevy's on Monday…

Like everyone who has heard the news of Mother's death, Isabel cried when when she came to clean house this morning. It doesn't surprise me but it continues to amaze me how many people's lives Mother touched so deeply. From Joe who delivers the dry cleaning to Father Huddleston who delivered the homily at her memorial service, her loss has brought everyone to tears.

And her absence leaves a gaping hole in this apartment. I'm so glad Daddy has a full calendar.

This blog will continue, but we've reached the end of one chapter. I just want to say thanks to my sibs for keeping me in touch with Mother's condition, helping me feel I was not so far away. I love you so much!

And I want to say thanks to the people at Faith Hospice, our guides and counsellors during this sad time. Jeanne-Aimee, Mother's primary nurse, brought comfort every time she visited. A remarkably patient listener, she heard all our anecdotes and answered all our questions fully and directly and with compassion. Ardis was our rock, steadily attending Mother while hordes of friends and relatives came and went and laughed and cried and drank champagne. We all leaned on his intelligence and his perspective on Mother's changing condition. At times throughout the days, each of us would stop by his usual place at the dining room table for a personal conference and hour by hour prognosis. Diana, the night nurse, was expert and loving. Both these people became members of our family instantly, and seemed to love Mother's quirks, bossiness and high standards as much as her kindness.

Jeanne-Aimee, Ardis and, to me, especially, Diana, became our guides through the process of dying, which I knew nothing about, and didn't even recognize as a process until they taught me that the human body goes through a series of changes when dying as it does when giving birth.

On Mother's last night, this knowledge and guidance allowed her death to be as serene as it could possibly be. Diana was able to notice each tiny change in Mother's respiration and color, and very quietly coached us so we were all around her, holding her hands and talking to her and stroking and kissing her face, when she breathed her last. It was as good a death as there can be, and exactly the way Mother had wanted, and planned, for it to be.

Once again, she taught us all the best way to do something.

I'm at the airport now and when I come back, Texas will be a whole different place.

The Family - Together

Dad early on

Mom Early On




A Toast

More Toasts



Hear, Hear!




Comfort

Brothers



Memorial Service for Polly

The memorial schedule for Polly has been scheduled for Wednesday, Sept 19 at 1 pm in the sanctuary of Saint Michael and All Angels Episcopal Church, 8011 Douglas, Dallas, 75225.

Music has always been a large part of our family. Polly and Don have long been season ticket holders of the Dallas Symphony and have been big supporters of organ music. In her notes concerning this service, Polly requested a performance of Cesar Franck's Prelude, Fugue and Variation and James Diaz has agreed to meet her wishes. The Prelude will be begin approximately 10 minutes before the service.

Services at Saint Michael are usually followed by a magnificent organ postlude. Mother was frequently heard to mutter under breath amid the rising din of conversation, "This is not background music..." In accordance with her wishes the congregation will be asked to remain silent and in place while Mr. Diaz performs Louis Vierne's Finale from his Sixth Symphony. 

 A reception will follow immediately in the parlor and garden cloister.

Don listens to the organ at Saint Michael.

Sad day for Dallas dining

Nancy Nichols posted this on D magazine's Side Dish blog this morning. Here's the link:
Sad Loss for Dallas Dining

Polly at the Original Matt's Rancho Martinez

Remembrances

I suggest that we paste various reflections and remembrances here. They can be taken from emails, Facebook postings, letters, anecdotes or wherever they are found. Readers should start with the comment from "Life so Far..." on the post "A Sad Morning." - dw

Susan R Waddington 

Most people who would see my Facebook post have already read this at least once. Polly was remarkably beautiful, intelligent, witty, wise, and loving - the matriarch of a family that includes, due to her generous world view, many not-necessarily-related-by-blood-or-marriage members. I am so grateful to be be part of Polly's family.

Nancy Nichols Sweet Polly. My second mom and traveling buddy Love to all Waddingtons.

Saturday at 10:58am via mobile · Like

Deborah Lindsay  Sending a Heart Embrace to you...and all of those you love. Your Mother: intelligent, wry, happy, inventive, educated, life-loving, interesting, real and whole; a woman whose world was large and beautiful...who made the world larger and more beautiful for others!

Will Duran

Yesterday near Dallas via mobile

The outpouring of kind words, thoughts and prayers, food and even tree plantings has been overwhelming and greatly appreciated by our Family. My mother in law was a special person, smart, elegant, with a love of nature and mankind. She even donated her body to science so the cancer that took her life could be studied and the knowledge obtained used to save the lives of others. I am greatly inspired by her and will miss her dearly...
I just realized I probably used greatly too many times and she would have corrected me : )

Doric E. Earle  We will miss Polly's elegance, charm and wit. So glad she was surrounded by the family. We need to help Don be strong. 
All our love. We are here for Helen and you and the family.

Stephen Greggposted toDavid Waddington

Saturday near Dallas

The love with which your mother nourished us, and the example of her graciousness, make it easy to believe that she is closer to us now than ever before.

Jeremy Gregg Such lives give more than death can ever take away -- may her love remain forever a bright light in your heart and in all of our lives!

Marian Bogan-Bebeau  Love to you all and so happy you can all be together to celebrate one of the most beautiful ladies we have had the pleasure to know. What a woman....let us know what is needed when...prayers to you all!

Kim Pierce  It is so hard to lose a parent, becomes a time of reflection on our our mortality. Bravo to your family for helping to make your mother's transition a peaceful one surrounded by those she loved and who loved her.

Don Schanche	Sep 15 (2 days ago)
to me

Dear David,

My condolences, cousin.

A tough transition. So much must be going on.

I've always liked this passage from the Book of Common Prayer:

O Lord, support us all the day long, until the shadows lengthen and the evening comes, and the busy world lies hushed, and the fever of life is over, and our work is done. Then in thy mercy grant us a safe lodging, and a holy rest, and peace at the last.

Thinking of you all with love,

Don

Dearest friends,

I am so sad to learn of Polly's passing.  On the few occasions on which I was privileged to meet her, I was struck by her wit and her charm.  These characteristics and, I'm sure, many more are brilliantly reflected in the fine people she helped bring up.  Among these people are you all, folks who I am proud and grateful to count among my closest friends.  Although I'm not a member of your family, I grieve with you all at the loss, at once, of a matriarch and a loving mother and grandmother.  I ardently hope that you find comfort in the midst of your mourning and that you can derive from your memories of Gombu the strength to persevere in the spirit of vim and vigor that she helped to instill.  I love you guys, I miss you guys, and I'll be thinking of you all especially during the upcoming days.  If there's anything at all that I can do to be of help to you, or to any member of your family, please don't hesitate for a moment to let me know.  Jessie and I wish for all of you the peace that we found in the days after my grandfather's passing, almost two years ago now.  It was a peace premised on the knowledge of the great richness of the life that he lived and the confidence that he died where he was happiest in life - surrounded by his family.  It seems to me that much the same can be said of Polly's life and of her passing and for this, amidst all the pain, we can be grateful.  Please relay my condolences to the rest of your family, especially your Dad, your mom, and your Aunt Mary.

All my love,
Crawford

From: <Doric.Earle@compucom.com>
Date: September 15, 2012 3:14:53 PM CDT
To: <wh.duran@mindspring.com>
Subject: Polly Tree

Planted and dedicated September 15th by Doric and Aidan Earle. 607 N Buckner Dallas. 

Anna Malouf

As you all may know my sweet grandmother, Gombu, passed away this previous weekend on a saturday morning. She was a very, very special lady to me and many other people. I just want to thank everyone for their support. The comforting, sweet, comments and thoughts have meant the world to my family and myself.

I greatly appreciate it and it warms my heart greatly! She will be missed! ♥

Unlike ·  · Share · 36 minutes ago · 

• You and Adrian Duran like this.

Sara Malowanczyk Anna, I just heard about this from my mom the other day. My condolences go out to you and your whole family. Polly was a great woman and I will miss spending thanksgivings with all of you.

From Scott Malouf: 
Mary,

We are thinking of you and your family, and very saddened by your Mom's passing. What an amazing life, and a woman so extraordinary to bring into the world, nurture, love and preside over a beautiful family. Please share our thoughts and sympathies to everyone. Have lots of hugs and food!
I really wish I had some insight to share about the passing of a beloved Mom, something that would make it understandable or consoling. All I can I say is after 25 years of losing Mom, the tears well at thought of her. I do know that it is normal.
What a great gift in life to have a Mom whe genuinely loves us, and champions us. Who else does that? You are truly blessed.
You know I think the world of you, and always cherish the times we have shared, and I am so sorry that I can't just give you a big, tearful hug right now!
I know you will pass many moments of her love for you, her lessons to you, her encouragement to you to our precious Anna and B.
Love
Scott

Tim Osborne

• David,
  
  I just wanted to pass on my personal sympathies for Polly's death.I don't remember meeting her, but I do remember several conversations we had over the years on the phone. While I can't recall any specifics, I can recall her voice and how excited she always was to hear about what I was doing and how I was. Dad has also told me a ton of stories about the family, and Polly specifically. She seemed to me to be an ideal mother, and was certainly an ideal Aunt to Dad. I'm glad he was able to travel down to be with you all, and I hope that this finds you all well. Please pass on my love and sympathy to everyone, and may Polly's memory live ever warmly in your hearts.
  
  I hope to see you all very soon.
  
  Love,
  
  Tim