More Gifts

I spent about an hour sitting with Mom on Monday afternoon. Not talking or touching, just sitting. My thoughts wandered to our lives together. The past. Forgiveness.

I remembered during the worst of our relationship when I was 16 probably and I sat on her bed and told her that I hated her. I remember looking straight in her eyes and mustering all the emotion I could into my eyes, shot the hatred at her like a bullet. I don’t remember her expression except that it was blank. A poker face, I realize now. The reason that I know is that I had similar experiences with my children during those same bad years. I’m sure that I had the same poker face. Now I know the emotion behind the face. It hurts.

I thought of times that she had wronged me. Not one specific incidence but many over the years. Times when she wasn’t there for me because she was drunk. I didn’t know that she was an alcoholic. I just knew that she wasn’t there.  It hurt. Now I know that I did the same to my children. I was severely depressed (with no meds) at times and I know that I wasn’t there like I should have been. Or wanted to be.

So the gift? Forgiveness. I worked all this out on Monday and talked to her about it on Tuesday afternoon. I asked her forgiveness and gave her mine. I talked about the light and letting it in. I told her I love her. I know she loves me. A gift.